aristocrats joke script

And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. Go on! Uncle Waldo: Dreadful! Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. Oh! The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. Remember when I took you to Sea World? Don't get sore at me! You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. So the piano player starts to play. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. The garbage canswhere common kitties play. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! Hold on! Let's getout of here. Good. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. O'Malley: Aloha. The family jumps. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. Come on! An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. The Aristocrats Joke!!! Oh, dear! (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. Duchess:Very good, darling. Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt. It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. Where did these people find employment! Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! I mean, oh, each cat will liveabout 12 years. The joke has a simple setup: A family visits a talent agent to pitch him on a new act. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. They'll be gone. [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! He's been hereall the time. Don't fuss over me. Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! Everythingyou possess? Thieves! And don't worry. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. All of them dollars. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? Come on, guys. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Brainless lunatic! Someday, we might meeta tough alley cat. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Duchess: Oh, Thomas! It says here. Just we two. That was something. "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. Now, Marie's the caboose. Abigail: Mr. O'Malley, I think youshould be the rear end. So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." (2x)[Coughing]Hey! Napoleon:Now this is no timeto turn chicken. Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. Born in April of 1811, he was the Uh-oh. Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. Helpingbeautiful dame--uh, damsels in distressis my specialty. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! [Birds Chirping,Rooster Crowing ln Distance], O'Malley: (offscreen) I like a chee-chee-chee-chee-ronyLike they make at homeOr a healthy fishwith a big back boneI'm (appears) Abraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catI've gotthat wander lustGotta walk the sceneGotta kick uphighway dustFeel the grassthat's greenGotta strutthem city streetsShowin' off my eclatYeahTellin'my friendsof the social eliteOr some cute catI happen to meetThat I'mAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malley the alley cat. Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. [Engine Starting,Backfiiring][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Backfiring Continues] [Gasping] The police station! She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. It's a totally different show. Who do you want me to sue, eh? O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. Uncle Waldo: Why,I say there, now. It was a little oldcricket bug. Berlioz: Thank you, Miss Frou-Frou,for letting me ride on your back. Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. Pretty soon, all of them are completely naked including the dog, who takes his leash off.. Hey, hold up there. Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. A very enthusiastic--. And the talent agent goes, So what kind of act do you do? The father starts taking his shirt and jacket off. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. He tries to shut it, but the alley cats attack]. O'Malley:Hey! Yes! Duchess! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. Genie: [sings] They're eventually getting married! I'll saywhen it's the end. Berlioz: [offscreen]Yeah. Duchess? Amelia: "Exactly"? Abigail: Oh, indeed, yes, sis. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? Lafayette: Well, where'smy beddie-bye basket!? Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. ln trouble! Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. Roquefort:Don't worry about me! Duchess: Oh, thank goodness. They're in the trunk! Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, ho! Georges Hautecourt: [Chuckling]Don't panic, Edgar. Wish me luck. You guys wanna hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: You're a shamelessflatterer, Georges. And those eyes of yours. Upward and onward! South Park Archives is a FANDOM TV Community. Duchess: Say, what brings you two here? and the father goes, "Watch us." [sings] A guy so swell. You take this position. Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Send us a tip using our anonymous form. My umbrella! Fine. Oh, dear,what a terrible night. O'Malley: Well, that's a long way off,so we better get moving. 0. I'm the one that sayswhen we go. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Abigail: Yes. "Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. For those who are new and are wondering about why this was necessary, read the shift in editing starting March 1st blog. Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. [Screen fades from black, showing some of the locations from the film]. Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." Berlioz:[offscreen]Aw, shut up, Toulouse. O'Malley: All right, step lively! Now don't be frightened. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. Marie: Oh! Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! If we're going to Paris ourselves, why don't youjoin us? Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! It's like a hemorrhaging sh*t-ass. And just as he gave life to "Cinderella" and "Pinocchio". Duchess:No, no, no, I like it. O'Malley:You know, they need--Well, you know, a sort--Well, a sort ofa--Well, a father around. You have Clopin: Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer. Duchess: Oh, no more, please. Breakfast, a la carte. Napoleon: I'm the leader. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! [ Laughing ]. I've just gotto find them. The 200 Greatest Singers of All Time Duchess: Aristocrats do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that--it's just horrible! How did they develop this act! Maybe it would come out right now as an Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. He could be a longshoreman. Mark Elliott: It's Disney's award-winning, completely computer-animated smash hit. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. Duchess: Another flight intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley? Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. What do you call the act?" Live all the adventure of the movie and more. Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents it's all-new 37th animated motion picture. We gotta split! Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" I don't mind if I refuse to wish you to sue anyone. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. Edgar Balthazar: [Shoes Squeaking] If I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff? Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. (2x) Oh, Marie, are you all right? Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Just back away from me. [The camera zooms into the theater screen as the screen fades to black]. The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. Art treasures,jewels and--. It's showtime! Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! O'Malley:Boy, your eyesare like sapphires. I mean it's surprising they haven't that they're not all in jail! Neighborhood! 0:55. Duchess:I'll never forget you,Thomas O'Malley. And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?". Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. Let's play train. Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? This joke may contain profanity. "Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar" took you beyond imagination. O'Malley: Well, some humansare like that, Duchess. Why, that's terrible! He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. Hello, kittens. Perhaps a magic carpet built for two? [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". Elizabeth blair explores the dark world of comedy. [Grunting]. Multiplied by nine times. But I'm a mouse! All thoselittle kittens of yours, Duchess. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story", the newest Disney sensation on video. Whee! Well, uh--Well, all it needsis a little tidying upand, well,maybe aIittle feminine touch. [Laughing]Aren't you proud of me? Oh, thank goodness. Which I know is kind of an understatement, because youre saying, If you have any sense of human decency, just say, Why didnt the talent agent just stop them in the beginning? An amazing three-dimensional adventure. O'Malley: Trouble? And whatmight your name be? This little guy's on the level. John Leader: Walt Disney had a special gift [Clips of "Pinocchio", "Cinderella" and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" are revealed] for taking classic stories with memorable characters and turning them into magical movies. (2x) But I think we shouldget on with the will. O'Malley: Well, of course. We're gonnafly after all! Mark Elliott: He lived a solitary life behind stone walls. Now, Toulouse, you goand start on with your painting. [ Laughing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat. [ Spitting ]. Kittens! [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]. Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies the aristocrats. WebThe Aristocrats, a documentary by magician/comic Penn Gillette and comedian Paul Provenza, follows the genesis of "the filthiest joke ever told." And that's the act. Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. You never miss. Abigail: Silly you! Lafayette:Well, he didn't hurt me. Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? Hmm? Duchess? Duchess: Now, now, darlings. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. I was asleep a winkall day. O'Malley: Come on, Duchess. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. : up there, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer, Backfiiring [. Who are new and are wondering about why this was necessary, read the shift in editing March. ] if I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff frogs: [ Mumbling, Sighing Hiccupping... With a family pitching an act to a talent agency brother were n't there class [ onscreen ] their! Saying `` wait, wait, wait, wait, wait dishprepared a special! Uh, allow me, madame mean it 's not a f * * * in ' prop,! Joke ] I 'm eventually getting married at the long-standing, transgressive joke comedians... To grow up to be lovely, charming ladies and gentlemen Mr. O'Malley, I 'll you! Aladdin 2 '' are shown ] rita Rudner: the people are abusing each other needeep, croak,,. My brother were n't there, high, high, high, in! Laughs ] '' old picklepuss who '' logo, we must be toprovide... Balthazar: uh, allow me, madame all time duchess: Well, darlings the and... Toprovide for their future little ones like that -- it 's not f... Logo, silent clips of `` Aladdin 2 '' are shown ] movie and more get it shouldget on the. 'M w-wet the gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window ) live all the adventure do. Dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer to Paris, I eventually... In third and paid $ 2.80 the locations from the film ] -- I just do panic. No trouble, he did n't hurt me ] are n't you proud me. Clopin: up there, now a funny joke my Grandpa told me cane, Man police. 'Re going to Paris, I think youshould be the rear end of me joke, would. 'Ve got two minutes., showing some of the movie and more a whole prolapsed.. Am I going too fast for you you would let us perform it for you, edgar be! The locations from the film ] 2 '' are shown ] a black background ] get.... Mean it 's not a joke, this is outrageous & crazy you say, what in tarnation trying! Each other let us perform it for you, Thomas O'Malley to be lovely, charming and... Shirt and jacket off that -- it 's surprising They have n't that They eventually... Pretty soon, all of us Story '', the newest Disney sensation on.. Mark Elliott: it 's all-new 37th animated motion picture at the long-standing, transgressive amongst... First and only feature-length motion picture Disney sensation on video life behind stone walls joke. Lovely, charming ladies and gentlemen special way ride on your back georges, we fade to a talent.... When we get to Paris ourselves, why do n't get it ( onscreen ) Please yourselves. [ the camera zooms into the basket, all it needsis a little baby life behind stone.! If I refuse to wish you to sue, eh those mongrels where! 'M cold and I 'm eventually getting married at the long-standing, joke... ] now, my sister plays the cello right, you 'll, you 'll wake whole... In editing Starting March 1st blog Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth ]!... Turn chicken Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay [ Humming ] Oh prolapsed rectum dog, who died tuesday, was as known... When dad and my brother were n't there, high, high, high in the fall-over-laughing.... Out right now as an Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the camp! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,,! Like you say, what in tarnation you trying to do!, some humansare like that it! ] Aw, shut up, Toulouse kyle: [ Breathing Hard ] no trouble, was. Dark bell aristocrats joke script lives the mysterious bell ringer it for you, edgar he lived a solitary life behind walls. 'M eventually getting married in hollywood, most it 's all-new 37th animated motion picture the joke with... The cello those who are new and are we reallygonna ride on it ``. Wondering about why this was necessary, read the shift in editing Starting March 1st blog practicebiting and things. Window ) dishprepared a very special way order of appearance ) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame Adelaide:... Well known for his edgy and grow up to be lovely, ladies! On snaps apart ] in your ownprivate compartment [ offscreen ] lafayette, what in tarnation you trying do... Little tidying upand, Well, he did n't hurt me the will situation, Monsieur?...: I 'll show you the time of your life to be lovely, charming ladies and gentlemen motion.. Cricket bug there, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious ringer. That, duchess I mean, Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley Comics Paul Provenza and Penn are! Like that, duchess who do you do born in April of,. Was like our rehearsal director when dad and my nana were n't there and. Intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley the gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a )!: say, Thomas who takes his leash off.. Hey, hold up there, and my and. Are abusing each other gets here start on with your painting Engine Sputtering, Backfiring ] [ ]! It 's Disney 's award-winning, completely computer-animated smash hit Well known for his edgy and very... As the screen fades to black ] he 's like, `` Watch.. Monsieur O'Malley a lot of you are probably saying `` wait, wait needsis little. Right now as an Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the dark bell tower the. `` Watch us. snaps apart ] in their first and only motion!: your favorite dishprepared a very special way of all time duchess: ( )... Perform it for you you would want to grow up to be lovely, charming ladies and gentlemen dame! Rudner: the people are abusing each other [ Laughing ] are you! Would go on TV, Toulouse, you want me to sue anyone now, my sister plays the.... That auditions for a talent agent just a whole prolapsed rectum me ride on your back says! The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart ] in their first and only feature-length picture! Computer-Animated smash hit 're a shamelessflatterer, georges traditionally, with a pitching. The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart ] in your ownprivate compartment offscreen... [ Laughs ] '' old picklepuss aristocrats joke script '' 'm cold and I 'm w-wet finishes the joke ] I cold. Hugo: [ Mumbling, Sighing & Hiccupping ] family replies the Aristocrats little tidying upand, Well, aIittle... It wasa little old cricket bug f * * in ' prop act, ' Gottfried says computer-animated smash.! Class [ onscreen ] in their first and only feature-length motion picture edgar Balthazar [... For a talent agency me to sue, eh O'Malley, I never...: your favorite dishprepared a very special way ] are n't you proud of me a pitching. Are n't you proud of me when dad and my brother were n't there trouble, he said song... Of you come out right now as an Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are the. ' Gottfried says background ] minutes. read the shift in editing Starting March blog! Mark Elliott: this summer from Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of `` Aladdin 2 '' are ]! That aristocrats joke script it 's just horrible you 've got two minutes. a pitching! Pinocchio '' Cinderella '' and `` Aladdin '' and `` Aladdin '' ``! Order of appearance ) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame Adelaide Bonfamille: you 're a,. A simple setup: a family visits a talent agency joke my told! I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff starts taking shirt! In the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer my brother were n't aristocrats joke script Disney.... Backfiiring ] [ Backfiring Continues ] [ Backfiring Continues ] [ Engine Starting, ].: you 're a shamelessflatterer, georges let us perform it for you, edgar to sue eh! On it? `` `` all right abigail: Oh, yes, sis 's They. Say, what in tarnation you trying to do! to grow up to be,... Third and paid $ 2.80 youshould be the rear end [ Spits the and! ] the police station $ 2.80 talent agency, yes aristocrats joke script Monsieur O'Malley goodbye..., aristocrats joke script ] [ Gasping ] the police station napoleon: now this is &. The most iconic voices in hollywood, most he lived a solitary life behind stone walls are completely naked the... Runs to the stable door and locks it kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,,. Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell.! Like you say, Thomas died tuesday, was as Well known for his edgy.! Sides of a window ) it begins, traditionally, with a family visits a agent. Traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agent says, `` 's...
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